Hey guys. Realized today that yes I am human, have human feelings, do things that humans do, and can easily get overwhelmed when life feels turned upside down.
In a lot of ways I feel I am watching a movie where I am watching my life, goals, and dreams, slipping away and yet I am powerless in many ways and have zero control.
I am sleeping throughout the day, have taken off from work per Dr. requirement, am not even close to training at the level I once was, and feel pretty shitty and tired more days than not. Yet I try my hardest each day to be optimistic.
Today I just broke down. On top of an already starting migraine, I realized just how much pain was in the heart. I after many years of fighting back pain and the results of the cycling accident I felt life was turning and goals were within reach. I after many tough years found happiness when I moved to AZ in July. I found happiness in my new job, a beautiful place to live, amazing friendships, family close by, a great church with amazing pastors, and more.
The last 6 mos. starting in Oct. with 20 days in the hospitals, then batteries of tests and Dr.’s, then a fractured ankle, followed by meningitis as a reaction to medicine I supposedly needed, and this Feb/March another 13 days in the hospital. I won’t lie, it’s been tough and at times more than I can handle. Where I always put up a smile, it’s a facade at times as I hide the pain.
What I am searching for is me. My life as a runner. When you run as a pastime or feel forced to for better health, “you run”. When you run because it is your passion, fills your heart, and helps you see your true self, “you are a runner”. Some may disagree. But I stand strong on my opinion. I AM A RUNNER. It is who I am along with other things. I live to run, to feel the challenge, take on the goals, and find myself accomplishing much more than one thought possible. Shit, at one point I was told I might not walk again. So YES I am a runner, it is what I do, and I will return to it with great passion and determination.
I am also a goal orientated individual. It is how I was brought up. You make goals and you accomplish them not matter what it takes.
So I move forward each day. Staying below the threshold of set-back yet pushing my body to become stronger and fitter. While some see my actions as frustrating, little do they know or understand the journey it has been to get to where I am today. It’s beyond words, it at time causes tears, but without my amazing support team and Faith it would have been impossible. Thanks to all that stand behind me. You mean the world to me.
With strength, courage, patience (I lack this), and determination…. great things are going to occur.