Like watching a movie of your own life, like watching a nightmare but not knowing how to make it stop, like being in the “pain cave” and not knowing how to get out. Baby steps.
Since October 2012 I have spent approx. 45 days inpatient in the hospital with migraine headaches and neurological symptoms (leg and arm weakness and temporary semi paralysis). It has been frightening. Ok, that’s an understatement. I have tried to stay strong and around most of you I have succeeded…. some of you have seen me break down, even cry.
My faith and Higher Power has taught me many lessons through these difficult times. One being that it’s ok to be scared, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to break down, and it’s ok to reach out for help. Sometimes we think we are being the strongest when we hold it in, when we try to protect everyone else, even when we try to please and be everything to everyone. In reality it is the opposite.
The strongest are those that reach out. Those that have the courage to not be everything to everyone. The strongest are the ones that are ok taking a day off of training, are ok with saying that they can’t play all the roles, and they can’t be brave when they are scared beyond fear itself.
Because it is Faith, Courage, Perseverance, Determination, and a Positive Attitude that gets you through those times when you wonder WHY?
We have some answers; a week ago tonight I was taken by ambulance to Mayo Clinic, spent 5 days there and was discharged this Monday. I have what is called chronic migraine disorder brought on by an auto immune deficiency. There will be follows ups with the neurologists and immunologists. It is a process and it is about taking baby steps. Baby steps that I am not use to taking.
Through the most frightening times in ones’s life, it seems God puts people, places, and things in place and he has done just that; the beauty of the AZ surroundings, living close to my parents, the medical teams and their close proximity, the most amazing church and Pastors, awesome friends, sun, and a beautiful place to live and train.
Am I scared, frightened, empty, and fearful?…..YES.
Am I grateful, faith-filled, positive, willing, and excited to inspire others YES!!!!!!!!
This journey continues. BABY STEPS!!! Ready Set Go 🙂