Internal dialogue, questions, dreams, wondering, asking, listening, praying ….
I have done a lot of the above in the last couple years. I have started and stopped, re-started, trained, planned, re-written the plan, revised the plan, run through the plan, trying to defy the odds and create success. Challenges of health and set-backs stemming from a past cycling accident have challenged me to the core. The problem was that while I was trying to create success I was not fully embracing it. It was forced, it was not done with freedom but it was for all the wrong reasons.
When you want to be better at anything your mind must change, you must change as a person. You must face all your fears. With success comes being terrified and with being terrified comes growth. One should embrace fear and not run from it. We need to be as comfortable with hugging fear as we are hugging our favorite stuffed animal each night; knowing it will not ever leave us. If we are not afraid we will never grow. We must embrace fear and allow it with us on the journey.
What I have discovered is that life is not at all about the destination we will achieve. It is not about how many mph we went cycling or running or how much money we made. It isn’t about how much our car is worth verses our neighbors. It really doesn’t matter if you have $500 in your wallet and I have $5 .. What does matter is that your mind is at peace with where you stand today and where you are headed tomorrow.
When I go out with my Dad on Sunday mornings to cycle. We take the mountain bikes and head up Talus through the peaceful neighborhood looking out over the mountains and golf course. We ave 8-10mph together and we chat about the scenery and the week past and ahead. Not once do I think, “wow, on my training rides I ave 18+ mph.. I could go so much faster”. I know many would but it’s the journey, it’s not about the destination. Sometimes we have to slow way down to realize what we are missing. TODAY I DID.
Today I said, I am done caring and trying to pretend. As the best male Russian figure skater, Evgeni Plushenko, said after pulling out seconds before his Olympic skate, “I am human, I am not a robot”
I will do my very best, compete my my highest level, my goals to race at the highest level have not changed, where that level is, only God knows. I will do my best, but I will only do what makes me happy. What I have missed is that I have not embraced or had fun in the past 3-5 years of running and cycling. I have NOW chosen to find balance, I will choose to race and train but not at the expense of cherishing each step along with my many friends in the sport. I know not every day of training and every workout will be fun and enjoyable but I run because it makes my heart beat faster, it makes me fall asleep with a smile, and wake with the same smile, it helps give purpose to my days, and has given me courage to get through some of the most terrifying moments of my life. I have chosen it’s time to care less about pleasing others and more about making sure my mind is in the right place. I am grateful for a fantastic Coach, PT, doctors, and friends. I am very excited for the fun times the future will bring and the success that will come as a result.
I am 100% physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually invested in running and what ever else God has planned for me. Blood, sweat, and tears are part of success and without it, it’s only a fake fantasy. Rich Roll has helped me realize that it is so crucial to detach from the end result, Let It Go! It’s irrelevent.
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